We have all been around judgemental people. Those people who just can’t seem to keep their opinions about others to themselves. Not just negative opinions, positive comments as well, but it is all an indication that they are taking note of what other people are doing and passing judgement – good or bad. We all do that sometimes of course, but there are people who seem incapable of keeping those judgements inside their own heads.
Why is this a problem? Assuming that they don’t say these things to people’s faces, surely it’s a mild annoyance at most when we have to spend time with people whose conversation is mainly judgemental? Well no, it’s not just a minor irritation. If these people are in our lives for a significant amount of time, especially if they were in our lives during childhood, they teach us something really unhelpful: they teach us that we are always being watched.
When you have that ingrained, that people are watching you and deciding what they think about you, and then they are passing comment to others, you inevitably worry about “being judged”. For some it can be a crippling concern, holding them back from living the life they want to live.
Understanding why some people choose to pass judgement can help us to fear it less.
Where do we fear that we might be judged? For our appearance? For our life choices? Our children’s behaviour? Our confidence and ambition? Our standard of housekeeping? Sure, these are often areas where judgemental people find fault or opinion. The thing I find interesting is that, when you dig a little deeper into these conversations, rarely do our choices in these areas actually anger anyone. They might feel irritated or annoyed, but when you talk further you discover that the over-riding feeling when they are presented with things they do not like or do not understand is that they feel intimidated.
All human beings want to belong. That is universal. The era or social demographic or culture we grow up in gives us a certain set of values, a certain outlook. When we get older or join a different social group or have new cultures introduced to our family circle, we can often feel as though we no longer belong. That is a challenging feeling, a scary feeling, and it is not all that easy to navigate.
When we feel as though we are being judged by certain people in our lives it is well worth remembering that their expressions of annoyance or disdain are really expressions of their feelings of being lost in a world that they do not understand. We can have empathy for that, and still discount their lashing out, rather than taking it to heart. When we are in conversations that involve passing judgement on others, we can have empathy for the fact that those doing the judging are just trying to belong in the group – strengthening their group credentials by verbally undermining “outsiders”. We can understand that but not fear it or accept it.
Sometimes it is easy to discount the opinions of others, if they are wildly different from our own. When it gets tricky is when we feel we are being judged by those who have the same values we grew up with, even if we are trying to move on from that culture or value set.
Other people’s values are not yours. The values of your culture or social circle are not yours. My values are not yours. The only person who can list out your values is you. Once you do, those are the only values that matter. Strive to live *your* values and to not disappoint yourself. You will absolutely disappoint, confuse, irritate and intimidate as many people as you inspire, encourage, validate and excite. There is nothing we can do about that.
We can only live to make ourselves proud.
Helen Calvert
September 2021
P.S. if you would like to work with me 1:1 to build your confidence and live the life you choose, please do get in touch to discuss ways in which we can work together.