I am firmly in the ‘better to have tried and it didn’t work out, but you had the guts to try it, and you’ve learnt lessons from it…’ camp than in the ‘play it safe and always wonder…’ camp.

Today I am having a coffee with Ruth Ramsay, adult sex educator and sex coach, who has kindly agreed to answer my questions about her no BS happier life. Ruth is one of the fantastic speakers who will be joining me on stage in April at Happier Life Live!

Q. How long have you been self-employed, and how do you make the most of the freedom that self-employment brings?

A. I’ve been self-employed for just over 20 years – first as a striptease artist (and sexual rights activist, model, events organiser, sex journalist…), then a personal fitness trainer, and now as a sex coach. I enjoy the freedom of working to my own rhythm – not having ‘office hours’ dictated by a boss. Also the freedom to choose how to present myself, what to say and do, without it having to be cleared by ‘head office’. I can be entirely authentic.

Q. What are you passionate about – in business and in life?

A. Freedom, authenticity, honesty and pleasure for all. That’s for both business and life. Also electronic dance music, clubbing, veganism, and of course sex!

Q. What brings you joy?

A. Seeing clients’ transformations… I know that might sound like a ‘taking an opportunity to push my business’ answer, but honestly, when a client messages me to say “OMG we just had amazing sex for the first time in five years”, or starts a coaching session telling me “after our last session, my partner and I talked about sex for the first time ever and we have never felt closer”, or I get a heartfelt message from a client’s partner to tell me about the positive change they are seeing… Or “Thanks to your coaching we are now talking about sex with our teenage kids whereas before we never would have done”… That’s my life’s purpose being brought to fruition right there, and not much else brings me more joy! But otherwise – dancing in a big sweaty crowd; hugging my friends; seeing my husband laugh; and seeing my stepkids happy and successful in their lives.

Q. How do you nurture yourself when you do something that is outside of your comfort zone?

A. I actually love that edgy, giddy, tingly “oh fck what am I about to do” feeling. I remind myself that big growth doesn’t come from within our comfort zone. Also I am firmly in the ‘better to have tried and it didn’t work out, but you had the guts to try it, and you’ve learnt lessons from it…’ camp than in the ‘play it safe and always wonder…’ camp.

Q. How do you show yourself excessive kindness?

A. Lie-ins. A few mornings a week I have a 07:30am commitment and need to have an early alarm set, but if possible I don’t have an early alarm, and weekends no alarm. I used to worry I was lazy and slovenly, but then recognised that the half-awake half-asleep phase of waking up naturally is a hugely restorative and creative time for me. I doze… I stretch in bed… I daydream… It’s my meditation and flexibility and manifestation time all-in-one and I love it. It’s also the time I am most likely to have deliciously sexy dreams! So I allow myself it when I can.

Q. What is one thing about being a business owner that you have learned is BS?

A. That you’ve never ‘made it’ – there is always another mountain to climb, or work to make sure you don’t topple off the mountain you’re on. And people who look like they’ve ‘made it’ and for whom life is easy, behind the scenes are still working their arses off. Rather than this being a negative it’s a reason to have breaks, celebrate smaller wins, enjoy the journey, rather than waiting for this mythical “I’ll relax/celebrate/have time off when I make it.”

Q. What will be your next adventure?

A. I am four years into my coaching business, and I’ve always had the five-year point (March 2025) in mind as the time I will be established by: know exactly who I’m serving and what they need (we can do all the ‘ideal client’ visualisations we want at the start but only time and experience really reveals this); be recognised as a thought leader in my space; have consistent income from it all… I’m currently having a lot of realisations around the above and my next adventure is putting these into practice and giving it my all in these next 12 months. Aside from work, it’s to return to freediving (diving on a single breath of air). I started learning in Ibiza before covid, then lockdowns then some other issues got in the way. This summer I am looking forward to getting back to it.

Q. An important part of owning our own story is being able to state who we are without explanation. Tell us something about yourself / your preferences / your needs without any background or context:

A. Oooh what a fab question! I need you to tell me who you are every time we meet. Let’s see whether anyone can figure that one out!

Q. Who are you looking to work with, and how can people get in touch?

A. I’m looking to work with people who want MORE in their sexual lives – more pleasure, more connection, more freedom, more playfulness, more kink… Whatever it may be and whatever their starting point. People who are excited by the idea of a deep journey of re-education and of re-imagining what sex can be; who feel it can have a role in making their lives happier, healthier and easier overall. I seem to be gravitating towards midlife women as clients – partly as I am one myself and partly as it’s a life stage which I think can be the most exciting of all – but I also work more often with men than people assume, and with couples. People can get in touch via my website and if they are fascinated by the topic of sex overall, sign up to my Something For The Weekend newsletter here.

My thanks to Ruth for allowing me to share her insights! Look out for more interviews with fellow Happier Life Live speakers coming soon.

Helen Calvert
The No Bullsh*t Coach
March 2024